


Bang, Bang, Shoot, Shoot

by Dresupi



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crossover Pairings, Established Relationship, F/M, First Time, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sex Pollen, Smut, Swearing, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-13 03:25:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5692762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically, Darcy and Wade are on a lunch date and somehow get doused with sex pollen.  You can figure out the rest.  ;)</p><p>Continuation of my prompted one-shot: "Happiness is a Warm Gun"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Happiness Is A Warm Gun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “So I guess what I’m trying to say is…I hate it in books where the author starts a scene in the middle of a conversation…you know?  Like…how fucking lazy.  Jump past the character development and cheat, why dontcha?” Wade gestured with his hands up towards the sky, like he was speaking to God, or something.  

“I dunno, it never really bothered me…skip to the important stuff…ya know?”  

“I happen to think character and relationship development is VERY important.”

Darcy cut her gaze over to the man on her left, smiling. Taking in his black and red suit that he REFUSED to change out of.  Ever.  Who had taken her out to lunch every single day this week.  And brought her dinner a few nights too.  And reminded her to do human things.  Like shower. And sleep.  And drink water.

Definitely not something she’d expected from the so-called “Merc with a Mouth”. Mouth being capitalized, of course.  

His mouth was definitely deserving of that capital letter.  Not just in the verbal ways, either.  He gave excellent “lip service”.  In fact, that was as much of Wade’s face as she’d ever seen.  When he walked her home or back to the office, she usually found herself pressed against whatever flat surface could hold them, locking lips. He’d pull up the bottom of his mask, just enough to expose his Mouth (with a capital M) and then he did things to hers that she didn’t even think were possible.  Like…honestly, he was the best kisser ever.  And if she were to take that skill and apply logic…she could definitely imagine how that Mouth would factor into OTHER romantic ventures.      

“Okay…” she shook her head. “I’m sorry…I’m going to have to ask you again…can you please take the mask off when we’re eating?”  

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  “But we’re in public.”  

“I just…I’d like to see your face…” she leaned forward and reached for his hand.  His gloved hand.  

“Darcy…there could be CHILDREN here…”  

“You canNOT look that bad, Wade.”  

“Mmmm…yeah.  Yeah I could.”  

“What, are you Donald Trump under there?”  

He laughed, “I make Donald Trump look like Fabio, Toots.”  

She knew about the scars.  About how they encompassed most of his skin.  He’d told her how he looked like the inside of someone’s asshole.  The love child of two rotten avocadoes.  Freddy Kruger.

She wanted to see him. And she didn’t really see how this relationship could ever progress if that suit was always in the way.

She pouted, stuck out her bottom lip.  

“Hey…stop that.  Don’t look all…kissable when I can’t do anything about it.”

“You can do something about it.  Come over here…” she tilted her head to her left, indicating that he should scoot around.

“Again…Babe…we’re in public.”  

“So let’s go somewhere NOT so public…” She got up, dropping her napkin on the table.  “You can do that, can’t you?”  

“Your apartment?” he asked eagerly.  

“I have to be back at work in an hour…just…wait five minutes and meet me in the men’s room…” she winked and turned to walk towards the bathrooms, swaying her hips in a way that she hoped was enticing.  

* * *

Oh, it was enticing. Every damn thing she did was enticing and had him cursing that fucker Killebrew for making him so goddamn unfuckable.

Of course…if he was unfuckable…she wouldn’t be sauntering off into the men’s room and he wouldn’t be about to cross something off his sexual bucket list.  

Five minutes ticked by. Too slowly.  

_They’re the same length of time they usually are…a minute is sixty seconds._

_-Shut up.  It’s exposition._

_Exposition designed to…what?  Introduce another plot device?_

_-What are you talking about?  Plot device.  You saw the prompt.  Happiness is a Warm Gun.  M or E rating.  There’s about to be smut happening in that bathroom.  This is just prolonging the sexual tension._

_Okay…whatever you say._

- _Shut up.  Darcy won’t get hurt.  Darcy’s too shiny and perfect.  Nothing bad will happen to…_

His thoughts were interrupted by a scream and a loud crash coming from the bathroom area.  

“Motherfucker…” he swore, standing and making his way towards the bathrooms. People were screaming. There was dust settling.  

He pushed open the Men’s room door, only to walk outside.  

“Wow…they’re REALLY pushing the envelope with this whole NATURAL décor thing…I’m confused, am I supposed to use that TREE?”  

_The bathroom’s destroyed, you IDIOT._

- _Right.  I knew that. I knew they didn’t want me to pee on that tree…_

_There was a bomb.  The bathroom’s blown up._

_-I know, I know…I can see that…_

_And Darcy’s gone._

“Fucking…plot twists…”

* * *

Wade burst into the final room, sheathing his katanas and tucking the frozen fish under his arm. His back was itching, so he yanked the broken pool cue from beneath his shoulder blade, the skin healing back beneath his suit.  

_-Are you KIDDING me?  You didn’t even write that fight scene?  Worst. Writer. Ever._

_Deadpool, focus.  You have a damsel to rescue._

“Ta-daaaaaaaaaa….” He trailed off, surveying the room.  Laboratory, by the looks of it.  Two guys lay on the ground, bleeding from head wounds, taser prongs still attached to one.  He glanced up to see Darcy, still holding the business end of the taser, a fire extinguisher on the hospital bed behind her.  “Damn.  Did you even need me?”  

“Door was locked…” she shrugged.  “Thanks for opening it?  And killing all the other guys…I mean…I just knocked out these two.”

He bent, inspecting their unmoving bodies.  “Darce…I think…”  

“I KNOCKED them out.”

_She doesn’t want to deal with it yet._

_-OHHHH.  Gotcha._

“I think you’re right. TKO.  Nice job, Babe.”  

She dropped her taser and reached for him.  “Can you just…take me home and…stay with me…and keep my brain…and my body occupied for the rest of the day?”  

_She means sex.  She wants sex._

_“I KNOW, okay?  You think I don’t know when my woman wants sex? On it.  Trust me.”_

_Except you now have five to six hours of paper work to look forward to.  Because of all those…criminals you killed._

_“Fuck me…OR, we could just…blow it off and let Tony worry about it. He likes being handed things, right?”_

_The opposite._

_“Eh.”_

She made that face.  The one that had him tugging up his mask and kissing her.  Swiping his tongue into her mouth and swallowing the moan that issued.  God, she was going to be the thing that killed him.

“C’mon.  Let’s get you naked…HOME.  Home is what I meant to say.”  

“Home…and THEN naked…” she grinned.  

“Darcy.  You’re swell.”  He bent slightly, lifting her into his arms.  

“You don’t have to carry me…” she protested.  

“Broken…stuff…out there. And you don’t have shoes…” he pointed out.  

“Fine.”  

He turned, miscalculating how long her legs were.  Her foot caught on a canister that abruptly fell and broke on the floor.  Filling the room with a noxious yellow powder that reminded him of that time he’d taken the ill-advised cinnamon challenge.   He caught a glimpse of the label on the jar before collapsing into a coughing fit, kneeling down as gently as he could so he didn’t just dump his girlfriend onto the floor.  

_-Toxicosterone?  Where do we know that from?_

_Hydra. Chemical warfare._

_-Fuck, it’s not poisonous, is it?_

_It’s sex pollen. A massive dose of sex pollen._

_-Of fucking COURSE it is.  As if this plot could GET more contrived.  Jokes on you, though.  She was already GONNA have sex with me.  This just makes it a little more…_

_Life or death?_

_-Yeah.  That._

When the coughing subsided, he scooped her up and made for the exit.  

“What was that?” she asked, looking bewildered.  “It’s not poisonous is it?”  

“No…no…nothing like that…just shut your eyes, Sweetheart.  Don’t look at what’s out here…”  Deal with one ridiculous problem at a time.    

He passed by the carnage from earlier. From the fight scene that no one would ever see.

- _The absolutely wonderful fight scene choreographed to Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice.”  Seriously. You write sex pollen, but you can’t write my fight scene???_

But he wasn’t bitter.

Once he’d cleared the building, he set her down and pulled out his phone.  There was one more thing he had to check.  

_You don’t remember if Toxicosterone is the sex pollen that kills you if you DON’T have sex or the one that kills you if you do?_

_-Correct.  Figured I should google it…_

_Google.  That’s your expert?_

According to google, they had an hour to hunker down somewhere because the next twenty-four hours were going to be a wild ride.  Pun INTENDED. Fuck or die.  

_-Fucking fanfiction tropes._

“Which way to your apartment, Darce?”

“You know which way…”

“Just…tell me again.”

He didn’t want to admit that he was already starting to feel the effects. Leather pants and male arousal weren’t really the best combination.

She pointed, he picked her up again, and started walking.  

“What’s…what’s going on?”

“Just a minor little thing…that powder we were exposed to?  The yellow stuff?  Yeah…that was a form of chemical warfare.  Toxicosterone.  In layman’s terms, sex pollen.”  

“Sex pollen?  Like on Star Trek?  That’s real?”  

“Yes.  Real.  And we were just exposed to a mega dose of it.  You’ve got about an hour before you get REALLY warm for my form…”  

“I’m already warm for your form, though…how will I know that it’s working?”

He glanced down at her. Her cheeks were already flushed. Pupils dilated.  “You’ll know…”  

“And you?”  

“I will be humping your leg like a dog that just got out of prison.”  

“Hopefully more than my leg…” she teased.  

“Darcy…there’s more.”

She frowned.  

“If we don’t…give in to our desires, the toxins will kill us…correction.  Kill you…I can’t die.”  

“Okay…so we fuck or I die.”

“Basically…and I didn’t want you to think that I…planned this or anything…I mean…”  

“Wade.  I wanted this before.  Don’t…don’t think like that…and turn here…”  

He did, maneuvering his way to her apartment and not bringing up the fucking ELEPHANT in the room. That tingle that was starting to become more and more difficult to ignore.  

“Here…” she said, her voice starting to sound a little breathy.  “Fuck…my door’s locked…”  

He shouldered it hard, the door popping open and banging against the wall.  

She pressed her lips together.  “I have a hide-a-key rock…He-Man…” she rolled her eyes.  

_-She called us He-Man…_

_It wasn’t a compliment._

_-I’m going to ignore that little detail._

She went inside, closing the door and locking the deadbolt since the doorknob was useless now.  She turned and grunted as he pressed her against the door.  Her teeth tugged on his bottom lip, her leg rubbing up and down his.  

“Darcy…fuck…you feel so good, baby…I need to feel you…” His hand slid under her shirt.  “Goddamn I want to touch you…”  he babbled on incoherently about her skin and how she smelled, his gloved hands not touching her enough for what he wanted, which was to rub his naked body all over hers until he stopped shaking so damn much.  

“Wade…WADE…” she pushed him back, running her thumbs along his skin, right under his mask.  He practically purred, it felt so good.  She tugged experimentally on the leather, revealing more of his face.  His nose. Cheekbones. He let her pull the whole thing off, the cool air in her apartment felt good.  He was sweating.  And horny. And his skin felt too hot.  

He watched her eyes. How they widened when she saw him. How they raked over the wasteland that was his face and how she wasn’t screaming and running away.  Hell, she didn’t even flinch.  

“They’re brown…” she said, smiling.  “Your eyes. I finally get to see them…”  

Fuck, if that wasn’t the sweetest thing in the world.  Made a little less so since she was rolling her hips against his in a way that would be considered indecent if they were on the other side of this door.  

It was a good thing they weren’t.  

* * *

_-You’re stopping it THERE?_

_Wade…this was supposed to be a short drabble, and it’s over 2000 words._

_-rated m OR E.  E means explicit means smut.  What kind of self-respecting sex pollen fic doesn’t have smut?_

_To be fair, there was a lot of swearing.  This was definitely within the confines of the prompt, Wade. Rated M._

_-*incoherent grumbling about no fight scenes and no sex scenes*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calm down, Wade. Smut's on the way!


	2. When I Feel My Finger On Your Trigger...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, Wade can calm down now. Here's the smut. ;) 
> 
> Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just gonna...*coughs* leave this here...

“Wade…” she touched him, stroked his face, leaned in to kiss him again.  Her fingers traced along the shell of his ear, what was left of it, anyway. 

And he was fucking loving it.  Everywhere she touched him, it sent bolts of sensation down to his dick, which was trying to punch through both his pants and hers.  It felt hard enough.  Maybe. 

_No.  That’s not possible.  You’re going to have to undress her._

_-Poor me._

He fumbled with the button on her jeans, giving up and ripping off his gloves first, groaning when his fingers finally touched her bare skin. 

“You’re so soft…” he moaned.  Or at least, that’s what he tried to say.  It came out more or less with no vowels.  Not even the ‘sometimes y’.  “Rssft…” 

She flicked her tongue into his mouth and started kissing up his jaw, nibbling on his earlobe. 

He finally got her jeans undone, moving her leg from his hip so he could slide those down and off.  He knelt in front of her, casting them aside and sliding his hands up her bare thighs, gripping her hips and pressing his face against her, nuzzling the damp spot that was forming on the front of her panties. 

“Wade…” 

“Darce…oh…baby, I wanna make you feel soo good…” he inhaled.  “Fuck, you smell so good, wanna taste you, Darce…” 

“Unnngh…” she moaned, her hips bucking towards him.  “Please…” 

He tugged down on her underwear, lifting her leg up on to his shoulder, he spread her open gently.  “Fuck, you’re beautiful…so…wet…Darce, Baby…is that for me?” 

She nodded, mumbling something as her head lolled to the side.  

“What?” 

“It’s all for you…please…” 

He leaned forward, licking a stripe from her opening to her clit, wiggling slightly over the sensitive nub. 

_-Oh God…she tastes like candy…_

_There’s a thought._

_-Shut up._

She panted, her hips canting forward towards his face.  “Wade…” 

He cast his eyes up to watch her as he lapped at her clit.  And she moaned incoherently. 

- _She’s fucking beautiful…_

His cock was starting to hurt.  Like a hot iron rod in his pants…

_Better speed that up.  Don’t want to die on her._

_-What a way to go…_

_She doesn’t regenerate.  Not a way for her to go._

He sped up his pace, which made her get louder.  Louder is good.  And when she started to shudder, he steadied her hips and tried to bring her down gently. 

She gasped for air, chest heaving as he stood.  “Sorry to rush, but…” he trailed off, because her hands were already there, palming at him through his uniform.  Well…she would be.  But he had on a cup. 

“Wade…is that…” 

“An athletic cup? Why yes it is.” 

She huffed out a laugh.  “Oh God, I thought…” 

He reached down, undid his belt, cast that aside.  Unzipped his uniform, shifted as he pulled out the cup and tossed it.  “You wouldn’t believe how many big bad mob bosses try to knee me in the Johnson first chance…” 

He took her hand, sliding his thumb over it as he guided her inside his uniform.  “No…that’s me…”  He gulped when her hand encircled him, squeezing.  “Fuck…” 

“Oh…that’s…very…Wow…was it always this…” She ran her thumb over the slit.  “God, Wade, it’s big…” 

“Darcy…have I ever told you that you’re swell?” 

“I wanna see you…all of you…” 

He didn’t usually do that.  He tried to keep his uniform on unless he was showering, but she felt so nice and she was so pretty and soft, and he needed to feel her…needed to. 

It came off in awkward pieces.  Katanas, guns, belt...Suit…forgot to take off the boots.  Damn this is awkward…kicking off the boots…almost falling on his ass, getting distracted when she took off her shirt because…boobs…

_-Oh, holy set of glorious mammaries, Batman._

_Deadpool._

_-Whatever._

He reached for them, thumbs gliding over her nipples as she stroked his cheek, ran her hands up and down his chest, torso, around to his back…he shivered at her touch, it was almost too much, no one had voluntarily touched him in so long. 

He lowered his head to one taut nipple, sucking it into his mouth and flicking it with his tongue, switching to the other side when she started to keen. 

She hiked her leg up over his hip and he suddenly snapped back to now, got the picture, the memo.  Whatever, he hiked her up on his front and she lined him up and…

“Wait…” she cried, breathless. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Do you have condoms?” 

He blanked…did he? 

_No, we don’t._

“Shit…no…do you?” 

She shook her head. 

_-Are you kidding me, writer?_

_Deadpool, yelling at the writer isn’t going to do any good._

_-Do you hate me?  Do you want me to die?_

Darcy grinned, “Just kidding, I have some…bedroom’s that way…” 

“I am going to…fuck you so good, Lewis…” he carried her down the hall. 

The condoms ended up being in the bathroom, so he sat on her bed while she got them. 

She returned, tossing a whole strip of them on the bed.  She opened one, rolling it over his dick that was rock hard and actually throbbing. 

“Ffffucckkk…” His hips bucked when she touched him.  “Darce…you gotta…I need…” 

She centered herself over him, sliding the head of his cock over her opening. “I need you too…” 

“Oh…please…it…fuck…it’s throbbing.  Like in those cheesy romance novels, Darce?  My manhood.  It’s throbbing.  Impale yourself on my throbbing— “

“Oh, god…Wade…shut up…” she leaned forward to kiss him, choking on a cry when she guided him inside her.

She clenched her thighs, rising up and sliding back down.  And it felt so fucking good, he was literally unable to make a sound as he watched his dick disappear inside her.  She made little sounds of frustration, the bedspread they were sitting on was slippery.  Satin or something.  Not good for friction or traction or whatever the fuck she needed. 

“Wade…please…” 

AND she’d climbed on him when he was still sitting on the edge of the bed, so there wasn’t much he could do in the way of thrusting.  But, hello upper body strength! 

“I gotcha, Babe…” 

He braced her against him, helping her on the up and down, and this angle was…fucking perfect because…again…boobs. 

“Darce…fuck…yeah…like that…”

“Wade…” she moaned and reached down between them, fingers scissoring over her clit.  

He felt her clench around him, felt her walls convulse.  She stopped moving, so he did it for her…watching her face when she fell apart.

He flipped her over on the bed, tilting her hips upward as he slid back home.  He propped her feet up on his shoulders and fucking went to town. 

She gasped and quivered and called his name, begging him to “please fuck me harder…” 

And he, for once, wasn’t talking.  The voices weren’t talking either.  It was all just the slide and squeeze of her pussy and his dick ramming in and out of her, her breasts bouncing and fuck, it was so good.  So fucking good.

“Unnnngghhh…” he groaned, chasing that ache and finally catching up...hips stuttering as he came, ramming still on the aftershocks. 

He pulled out because he was already getting hard again. 

“Shower?” she asked. 

He nodded, pulling off the condom and knotting the end. 

“Fuck, baby, that was…” 

“Amazing…but not enough…” she stood up and walked to the bathroom. 

“That view is just as good coming as going…” he called after her, chuckling to himself, “COMING as going…” 

The shower started. 

“So get in here and see it coming again…”

Not sure how he did it, but he was in that shower in record time.  He absently wondered how many of his toes were going to have to grow back. 

Totally worth it, because his girlfriend was standing under the shower, hot, steamy water running down her naked body. 

And she was kneeling…fuck, she was kneeling. 

“Darce, you don’t have to—oh fuck…”  she licked up the base of his cock to the tip, swirling her tongue as she went. 

_-You’re gonna have to switch POVs…fuck me…_

* * *

Darcy swirled her tongue around the head, dipping her tongue into the slit before sucking him completely into her mouth. 

His length was…lengthy?  And while some guys might SAY they want a girl to choke on their cock, she was pretty sure Wade didn’t want that, so she wrapped her hand around the base and moved it in tandem with her mouth. 

She spread her knees and let her other hand travel down between them, rubbing wantonly at her clit because Wade was right when he said she’d notice when the sex pollen thing happened.  It was a cross between a burn and an ache and it was her clit and up inside and at the base of her spine and down her thighs…

She shook when he moaned and rubbed herself faster, chasing a release so she could focus on him.  Right now, she was just slurping at him lazily like he was a popsicle, and she wanted to give him better than that. 

She glanced up at him, braced back against the shower wall, those warm brown eyes dark and hooded as he watched her, mouth slightly open.

“Close…” he whimpered.  “Fuck…Darce…” his hips bucked towards her face as he rolled quickly towards orgasm number two. 

She released him with a pop and pumped his cock, letting the jets of come hit her in the chin and on her chest, her own orgasm washing over her, leaving her a shaking mess on the floor of the shower.    

He panted, looking at her while his cock started to harden again in her hand almost immediately. 

Likewise, her release wasn’t enough, the ache was still there, just a little less now.

“Darcy…” he pulled her up to standing, hoisting her effortlessly on his front and against the shower wall. 

“Condom!” 

“Shit…hold on…” 

He set her down gently and hopped out the shower, cursing as he ran into the bedroom.  He returned, sliding the condom on as he hoisted her up again, against the wall. 

He slid into her with a grunt, and set into a grueling pace that all but forced her to moan in time with his thrusting. 

“Fuck, you are so hot…you are so fucking…Darcy…why are you with me?” 

She pulled his face close to hers, kissing his lips and swallowing whatever else he could think of to say.

They both shuddered through another orgasm minutes later, and he just stayed in, kept going, because this angle, this was working, and he wasn’t getting tired. 

She lost count after five. 

The hot water eventually ran out, though.  And they ended up on the bathroom floor, Wade sliding into her from behind and her hands grabbing fistfuls of the bath mat as he rode her. 

After the bathroom floor, it was back to her bed, her hair leaving damp spots wherever she laid down. 

Around about the time she started wondering if it was actually healthy to have this much consecutive sex, was about the time when things started chafing. 

And so…because Wade was awesome, he lay his head between her legs and used his Mouth (hereafter ALWAYS with a capital M) to make her scream.  Working her clit like it was his job.

And when she was laying in one hell of a post-coital haze, after the ache had disappeared and she finally felt satisfied, she curled up into his chest, letting her fingers move along the scarred skin, finding every dip and marveling at the pure hard muscle underneath. 

She pressed kisses everywhere she could reach, before laying her head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat. 

“You okay, Darce?” 

She hummed affirmatively.  “Are you?” 

He tightened his grip around her.  “Might have to take you by the SHIELD hospital tomorrow.  Make sure it’s all out.” 

“I’m pretty sure you fucked it out of me.” 

“And I’m willing to make that sacrifice for you anytime, Sweetheart.  Just say the word.  I’m yours.” 

“Good.  I always wanted a merc of my very own.” 

“Sure you don’t want a pony or something a little less messed up?” 

“Wade…I wouldn’t want to fuck a pony.  That’s gross…” 

“I meant…” 

“I know what you meant.  And I’m glossing over it.  I like the way you look.  And that’s all I’m going to say on the subject.”

“Are you sure? I mean…I look…this is bad, Darcy.  I’m not expecting you to—” 

She pushed up on her elbows, finding his mouth and kissing him.  “I am positive.  You are perfect for me.” 

He cuddled her closer, tucking her head down against his chest. 

And then…she fell asleep.  Because they had literally done nothing but have sex for the entire afternoon and half the night and she was fucking exhausted.  Pun intended. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments would be lovely! Let me know how I did! (First time writing sex pollen)


End file.
